Day 115 blog

Today was a good day all together, but sometimes mentally it’s not the same.

On the outside, everything can look fine. You get through your to-do list, have conversations, smile, handle responsibilities. But internally there can still be something heavy sitting on your heart. That was me today.

I’ve been thinking about how hard it is to let go of someone who you know, deep down, is not a bad person. They have good qualities. They can be kind. They can even mean well at times. And somehow that makes it harder. It would almost be easier if they were just clearly awful.

But sometimes the truth is more complicated. Someone can be a good person and still not be a good person for you.

There’s a part of me that wants to forgive so badly and have the friendship again. To go back to how it used to be. To laugh again. To feel understood again. You want to believe that maybe this time it would be different. But when the disrespect happens more than once, something shifts. Even when apologies are given, they don’t always feel genuine if the same behavior repeats itself. An apology loses its meaning when the action follows the same pattern. And that is the part that cuts the deepest.

You start to understand that no matter how much history you share, no matter how much love you had for that friendship, you may never truly be understood by that person. And you cannot force someone to see you, respect you, or value you in the way you need.

I write this with tears in my eyes because I truly miss them. And God knows I have forgiven. I have prayed over it. I have released the anger. But even when you forgive, it can still hurt. Forgiveness does not erase the disappointment. It does not erase the memories. It does not automatically make the distance feel easy.

In the hard moments, all I can really do is turn to God and ask Him to help me navigate it. To soften my heart without weakening my boundaries. To give me peace when I want clarity. To give me strength when I feel torn between what I wish it was and what it actually is.

Forgiveness is still important to me. I do not want to carry resentment. But forgiveness does not automatically mean restoration. It does not mean access. Sometimes it simply means releasing the bitterness while still choosing distance.

Letting go of someone you care about, even when you know it is necessary, is not easy. But protecting your peace matters too.

Today was good. But growth is not always loud or visible. Sometimes it is quiet, internal, and a little painful.

And sometimes the strongest thing you can do is walk away, forgive, and trust God with the rest.

Signed, Paulina.