Day 359

Before I start, let me put a disclaimer out there. This is my opinion, and as a woman, I am speaking from my perspective and my own experiences with men. I am sure women have their own faults, too, but I am not attracted to women, so I cannot speak on that side of things. I can only speak on what I have experienced and what I have observed.

With that said, I have a genuine question. Why does so much interaction between men and women seem to turn sexual so quickly?

I understand attraction. I understand finding someone beautiful, being interested in them, and wanting to get to know them better. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to someone. But when did attraction start replacing the ability to have a genuine conversation? When did it become so normal to make things sexual before there is even a real connection, mutual interest, or basic understanding of who the other person is?

Do some men genuinely want to get to know a woman, or are they only interested in what they hope might happen with her?

Sometimes it feels like the most basic part of getting to know someone is being skipped entirely. What are your interests? What makes you laugh? What are you passionate about? What kind of person are you? What does your life look like beyond what someone can see on the outside? Those things seem like a pretty good place to start if you are actually interested in a person.

And this is not about saying men cannot compliment women or express interest. A sincere compliment can be a beautiful thing. There is a difference, though, between letting someone know you find them attractive and making them feel like their appearance is the only thing about them worth acknowledging.

There is also a difference between attraction and entitlement. Finding a woman attractive does not mean she has invited sexual comments, owes anyone attention, or should be expected to welcome a conversation that makes her uncomfortable. A woman’s appearance is not permission to speak to her however you want.

What bothers me most is when disrespect gets excused by blaming the woman. Suddenly, the conversation becomes about what she wore, how she looked, or how she presented herself, instead of the choice someone made to speak to her that way. A woman can dress beautifully, feel confident in her appearance, and enjoy looking good without that becoming an excuse for someone else to cross a line. Respect should not depend on what someone is wearing.

I also wonder why normal conversation sometimes seems to have an expiration date. Two people can be talking, laughing, and having a perfectly ordinary conversation, and then the entire tone changes. It makes you question whether the conversation was ever about getting to know you in the first place or whether the other person was simply waiting for an opportunity to take it somewhere else.

And honestly, that is disappointing. Not because every interaction needs to turn into a relationship, but because basic human connection should not feel so difficult to find. You can be interested in someone without immediately making things sexual. You can flirt without being disrespectful. You can find someone beautiful and still be curious about their mind, their personality, their values, and their life.

I think it is worth asking ourselves what we are actually looking for when we approach another person. Is it attention? Validation? Something physical? Or are we genuinely interested in the person standing in front of us?

Because there is so much more to a woman than her looks, and there is so much more to a meaningful connection than physical attraction. A woman should be able to exist, socialize, share a conversation, and feel confident in herself without wondering when the interaction is going to become uncomfortable or cross a boundary.

To the men who know how to show interest with respect, who can hold a conversation, who are curious about a woman’s thoughts and who understand that attraction does not give them access to someone, this is not directed at you. Those qualities matter, and they should be appreciated.

But for the behavior I am talking about, I really do wonder: Do you actually want to know a woman, or do you just want access to her?

There is a big difference between being attracted to someone and being interested in who they are. One notices the outside. The other makes an effort to discover the person underneath it.

And in my opinion, genuine interest, self-control, and respect will always say more about a man than any compliment about a woman’s appearance ever could.

Signed, Paulina.